Whose Pee is that Anyway?

Mrs. Balabusta can tell many strange and amusing stories about pee. (that's urine for you hypereducated morons - you all know who you are).
So many, in fact, that Mrs. Balabusta has been asked on more than one occasion to write a book. But I digress....

Since Mrs. Balabusta got a new job Mrs. Balabusta needed an employee health physical and - say it all together now - a drug screen. Let me say now that it is a good thing they don't screen for marinated mushrooms, (see previous post).

But there are 10 things they do screen for and to do this you have to pee in a cup. That's no big deal. Mrs. Balabusta has been peeing in cups for years now and has almost got it perfect (see previous post on the Other Olympics).

What's new in the world is that you have to sign on six different lines that this is, in fact and deed, your own pee and not someone elses and that you haven't done anything to it. They call it the chain of custody.

Now let me tell you a little something. Mrs. Balabusta has quite a bit of experience with other people's pee pee, from the year 1988 in fact. So much experience that there was a day when she could pretty much tell by the shape and location of the puddle whose pee exactly was on the floor, (see previous post on Toilet Training 101 and the remedial 105). Yes in those days the Chain of Custody referred to whose turn it was to take out the diaper pail (this was the day before those Geenies) and let me tell you, nobody had to sign six times on whose diaper was in the pail.....(except for this one time when we were really hard up for money and I entered a research study on diapers because I was promised $40 and free diapers for a month, but I had to return the used ones, which is exactly when Mark started saying they were going to add my name to the DSM-III. It was a long time ago, they were only up to III then).

The rest of the Physical included toe touches, deep knee bends and squats. That was about when Mrs. Balabusta was pretty glad she kept limber in her 2 x a week aerobic dance class for teenagers. Also about the same time I started wondering if you had to pass this test to get pregnant, have kids, or just keep up with them. See that would really make sense, it would be like an Olympic qualifier.

For the record, I think we should come up with a test that people have to take before they are allowed to drive a car because there are far too many IDIOTS DRIVING out there. And then we should make an institution that is supposed to administer the tests, but really doesn't do anything besides their nails and order takeout just to see how much you really want that license, and we could call this institution the (see previous post)