Whose Pee is that Anyway?

Mrs. Balabusta can tell many strange and amusing stories about pee. (that's urine for you hypereducated morons - you all know who you are).
So many, in fact, that Mrs. Balabusta has been asked on more than one occasion to write a book. But I digress....

Since Mrs. Balabusta got a new job Mrs. Balabusta needed an employee health physical and - say it all together now - a drug screen. Let me say now that it is a good thing they don't screen for marinated mushrooms, (see previous post).

But there are 10 things they do screen for and to do this you have to pee in a cup. That's no big deal. Mrs. Balabusta has been peeing in cups for years now and has almost got it perfect (see previous post on the Other Olympics).

What's new in the world is that you have to sign on six different lines that this is, in fact and deed, your own pee and not someone elses and that you haven't done anything to it. They call it the chain of custody.

Now let me tell you a little something. Mrs. Balabusta has quite a bit of experience with other people's pee pee, from the year 1988 in fact. So much experience that there was a day when she could pretty much tell by the shape and location of the puddle whose pee exactly was on the floor, (see previous post on Toilet Training 101 and the remedial 105). Yes in those days the Chain of Custody referred to whose turn it was to take out the diaper pail (this was the day before those Geenies) and let me tell you, nobody had to sign six times on whose diaper was in the pail.....(except for this one time when we were really hard up for money and I entered a research study on diapers because I was promised $40 and free diapers for a month, but I had to return the used ones, which is exactly when Mark started saying they were going to add my name to the DSM-III. It was a long time ago, they were only up to III then).

The rest of the Physical included toe touches, deep knee bends and squats. That was about when Mrs. Balabusta was pretty glad she kept limber in her 2 x a week aerobic dance class for teenagers. Also about the same time I started wondering if you had to pass this test to get pregnant, have kids, or just keep up with them. See that would really make sense, it would be like an Olympic qualifier.

For the record, I think we should come up with a test that people have to take before they are allowed to drive a car because there are far too many IDIOTS DRIVING out there. And then we should make an institution that is supposed to administer the tests, but really doesn't do anything besides their nails and order takeout just to see how much you really want that license, and we could call this institution the (see previous post)

Marinated Mushrooms for Everyone!

Before the Bar Mitzva the PT and Mrs. Balabusta spent some quality time together shopping for paper goods and other assorted expensive things at Sam's Club. I want to mention the admas nefesh involved on my part, it was a Monday night and the Packers were playing.

I want to start this story by saying everytime I come home from said Warehouse Store, The PT picks up something and says "What did you buy this for? We don't need this - And we certainly don't need this much of it?..." Then he goes on to explain how someday someone is going to name a brain disease after me and we will both be very famous.

The other thing he says when I get home is "Where are the Cheerios?" But that's another blog....

Back to my point, while I was buying 4 lbs can of tuna x 3, the PT came across a 4 lb jar of marinated mushrooms, right next to the pickles which can also glow in the dark. He said, and I quote here - "Look what I found."

I looked at the PT standing in the aisle at Sam's very proud of himself and looking very hopeful. Doing a quick computation on the cost:benefit ratio of having a conversation about mushrooms and that fact that I was missing the game already, I decided buying the mushrooms was probably a good idea.

Once the said mushrooms took up residence in the pantry, it was a struggle to decide what to do with them. Add to rice and bake? Kugelize it (you can make a kugel out of anything, its a scientific fact)? Feeling unmotivated I decided I can serve them on a relish tray with pickles and olives.

Which I do quite a lot now. So if any of you decide to drop by for a nosh and quick cup of tea, you will probably also be served marinated mushrooms, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood PT.

Our Husbands Speak

I told my husband a story about me using a coupon at Victoria's Secret to get a new Ipex wire-free bra.

"Ipex bra" he said, "What is that, like a bra that plays music too?"

That's right honey, I said, you just turn the knobs......





I made fajitas this week and he had to open a new bag of tortillas. The is the reclosable bag if you open it on the top.
If you rip it open on the side, not so much...

When confronted with his faux pas, my husband replied "I really don't believe in those reclosable strips, they never work."

So basically... what we had was a difference in philosophy.

Ask Mrs. Balabusta

Looking in the mail bag, Mrs. Balabusta finds a comment that is really a question:

How do you handle Chanukah in terms of presents with your kids?

Well, Raggedy, when my kids were little, my MO was to buy a big type toy that everyone could play with, like a PlayDough squeezer kit thing or maybe a castle or kitchen set, when they were bigger they got legos. The lego phase lasted a few years I believe.

Lately, I don't buy gifts, wrap presents or do much of anything that resembles Christmas. They are bigger now and it just feels strange. I do take advantage of the sweaters on sale, and the vacation time they have to get new sneakers, etc.

I also used to buy gifts for all the teachers at Christmas and then again at the end of the year. Now I just do the end of the year. When I had my own medical transcription business (appx one lifetime and two children ago), I used to buy boxed chocolates for my clients.

I don't do that anymore either. The fact is every time Mrs. Balabusta walks into a mall in December I feel like I am celebrating Christmas, so I have sort of made the conscious effort to avoid these types of interactions.

I did call the principal of my kids school and volunteer to sub for 12/26 this year so an English teacher could spend an extra day at home when her kids are home. And someone took me up on it.

Look for a post next week on Mrs. Balabusta Teaches First/Second Grade.

Mrs. Balabusta gets a Job

This is not as exciting as Curious George Gets a Job, but almost as miraculous.

Also, there are no Yellow Hats involved.

Mrs. Balabusta is leaving College Health for Pediatrics. This anticipated change will happen next month, after a job search that lasted almost 8 weeks. I could go into vivid details, but I wouldn't want to bore you.

Suffice it to say I will have at least 5 days of orientation, including a seminar on G tubes, central lines in Peds, the ped respiratory assessment, psychosocial care of families, nutrition, pain management in children and everyone's favorite, proficiency at urine dips.

Here are some things I may (or may not) be leaving behind: coffee breaks, bathroom breaks (they go together like peanut butter and jelly), Name-that-rash, I hate-my-ex-Boyfriend, My pediatrician's office burned down so I don't have my immunizations and my favorite - I can't because I don't have INSURANCE.

The position is in the ambulatory care clinics at the children's acute care facility, float pool, which Mrs. Balabusta prefers to think of "Flying Squad". The nice part here is that this position can be full time one week and part time the next, and it can be three months in the same clinic, or three days, all in different places.

So Mrs. Balabusta is psyched and excited.......oh yes, and also getting a raise.